NIAW: 5 things you can say to an infertile

National Infertility Awareness Week is coming to an end. This year's theme is "Don't Ignore.."

Don't ignore people with infertility.

There have been plenty of blog posts in the infertility community that talk about what not to say to an infertile:
Infertility Etiquette 
Things You Shouldn’t Say to Your Fertility-Challenged Wife/Partner
10 things not to say to your infertile friend

Infertility: 16 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman Who Is Childless But Not By Choice
 

While this is all very good advice, I fear it leaves friends and family of an infertile afraid to say anything at all. I think it is more helpful to give people a list of things they can do/say. So, here are some things I find helpful.

1) "I'm sorry, it must be really frustrating and heartbreaking for you." Simple, yet effective. This acknowledges your friend's pain and is sometimes the only thing that can be said.

2) "Tell me about what you have been going through." Sometimes we just want to vent and get things out. This opens the door for us to talk about our pain. Be prepared to listen.

3) "Tell me about the treatments you have been doing." I find talking about the process of my treatments a great way to help me release some anxiety I may be having about them. So, when a friend says they are starting the IVF journey ask them to explain it to you.

 4) "After your next appointment let's go have lunch/dinner." Everyone always tells us to "just relax", but it is really hard to do that when you have appointments every day and needles being stabbed into your arms and belly.  Instead of the classic, "Just relax", help your friend get her mind off of things by spending time with her.

5) "I'm thinking of you/praying for you." Some women hate this, although I'm not sure why. For me it is just another way for my friends and family to acknowledge what I'm dealing with. The first time a friend said they were praying for me it made me cry. I pray for my friends when they are going through hard times, so I appreciate it when they do the same for me.

6) Get her a cute puppy. Just kidding. Although, that scruffy face dog below does put a smile on my face every day.

I am lucky to have a great support group. This includes friends with children who aren't afraid to invite me over to hang out with them and their kids. Just because I can't have kids of my own some people assume that means I don't want to be around them. This is actually very far from the truth. I want to have kids because I think they are great, I love them. Which means I would love to hang out with you and your kids. Don't be afraid to ask your infertile friend to hang out. If they are like me they will gladly come play with your kids. If playing with kids makes them sad, then they will say no. Either way, just ask.

So, don't be afraid to talk to your infertile friend. Don't ignore her. Listen to her. Be there for her.

Is there something I missed? What did your friends say to you that made you love them even more?

HTC Rezound: Android: Instagram

When Things Don’t Work Out

I lie on my bed, arm over my face so I can’t watch what is about to happen. The man I love grabs a sizable chunk of my stomach fat and jabs a needle into it. I expect pain, but I feel nothing.

This isn’t the first time he has done this to me. It is the seventh, and thankfully the last, day of pin pricks to my abdomen. The third hormone I’ve had pumped into my body, with one goal in mind. All of this leads up to the next two days where the doctors hope to give us a better chance.  A chance that most of the population starts with.  After 30 months our chances are not what they used to be.

Then comes the waiting. Hopes that this could be it infiltrate my every thought, my dreams, my life. I worry about what I eat, what I do, and the fact that I’m worrying. Too much anxiety will work against me, so I listen to soothing music, meditate, and try to relax.

I can sense it didn’t work before I even know for sure. Confirmation follows with one pink line. The rest of the day is a waste. Still, I read other women’s stories, and start to think there still may be hope. Two days later another pink line, only one, followed by blood that holds no hope. Everyone says they are sorry. I don’t say a word. If I do I won’t be able to stop crying. I would say “thank you” if I could, because it feels like the right thing to say.

Today is better. We have a plan for moving forward. The same plan as before, but we will give it another shot. After that we move onto our last hope, everyone’s last hope. 

Conquering IF

And now for a slightly different subject. If you are here to see pictures, skip the entire content of this post and go to the bottom.  There is a cute picture of a cat.  Now for the heavy stuff.

IF is a subject I have been reluctant to discuss on this blog. Mostly because this is a photography blog, partly because it is a subject rarely talked about in society, and  partly because I am also not looking for any pity.  I want to talk about it now because I know there are other people out there struggling with IF and I want them to know that they are not alone.

When the husband and I first started trying to have a baby IF meant:

If I get pregnant now I will have a summer baby!

If I get pregnant now we can announce the pregnancy at Christmas.

If I get pregnant now our baby will be 6 months old next Christmas.

As time went by our hopes where still high.

If I get pregnant now I will have a fall baby.

If I get pregnant now it would be the perfect Christmas present.

If I get pregnant now we can announce it at the Hubbies birthday party!

If I get pregnant now the baby will be 3 months old next Christmas.

Now things are a little different.

If I had gotten pregnant when we started trying I would have a 1 year old now.

If I ever get pregnant I don’t care when the baby is born.

If we didn’t wait so long to start trying, would I still be having these problems?

If one more person says, “It’s about time you guys have a baby”, I may punch them in the face.

If I never get pregnant, will I be ok with that?

If one more person announces their pregnancy will I break down in tears again?

IF stands for infertility, but as you can see it means so much more to those of us struggling to get pregnant.

I have come a long way in this struggle. I went from the excitement of starting our family, to fearful we may have problems achieving that goal, to bitter that everyone else seemed to get pregnant so easily, to accepting IF, and now to optimistic that I may  conquer IF.  I may not conquer it by having a child of my own, but I do know that one day I will have a child.

Of course, I am not optimistic everyday, and I still struggle with bitterness now and then.  Sometimes I still feel like crying when I hear a certain song, or see a baby in the mall.  But, that is not my everyday life now.  After 2 years of struggle I am finally at a point where I can do something about it.

After dealing with crappy student health insurance for the first year and a half of this journey we finally have amazing infertility coverage with the husband’s new job. I feel extremely blessed to have the insurance we have now, and I plan on taking every advantage of it to conquer IF.  

Yesterday we took the first step toward actually figuring out why I can’t get pregnant. I had a laparoscopy to look for blocked tubes and endometriosis that could be preventing me from getting pregnant.  It turns out my tubes are not blocked, and I didn’t have too much endometriosis, but I don’t go in to talk to my doctor until next week. So, I won’t know for sure if this was the problem until I talk to him.

Today I am feeling great.  Recovery hasn’t been too bad, and I am still feeling optimistic. If you are having the same procedure and want to know more about it feel free to contact me and I will be happy to tell you how everything went. I was lucky to have my sister with me, who had the same procedure last fall. Without her I would have felt lost and very anxious.

I plan on writing a few more posts about infertility for those who want to know how to deal with a friend/relative struggling with IF, and of course those who struggle with it themselves.  I will also try to keep you updated on how our conquering goes.

For more information about infertility here are some good websites to check out:

Resolve

Mayo Clinic

Blogs

99 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility

Stress Free Infertility

There are also some good support groups on Babycenter:

Actively Trying: The Next Level

Fertility Issues

I did not put this cat in the basket. The weirdo slept in that basket for several days until I put laundry in it.