And now for a slightly different subject. If you are here to see pictures, skip the entire content of this post and go to the bottom. There is a cute picture of a cat. Now for the heavy stuff.
IF is a subject I have been reluctant to discuss on this blog. Mostly because this is a photography blog, partly because it is a subject rarely talked about in society, and partly because I am also not looking for any pity. I want to talk about it now because I know there are other people out there struggling with IF and I want them to know that they are not alone.
When the husband and I first started trying to have a baby IF meant:
If I get pregnant now I will have a summer baby!
If I get pregnant now we can announce the pregnancy at Christmas.
If I get pregnant now our baby will be 6 months old next Christmas.
As time went by our hopes where still high.
If I get pregnant now I will have a fall baby.
If I get pregnant now it would be the perfect Christmas present.
If I get pregnant now we can announce it at the Hubbies birthday party!
If I get pregnant now the baby will be 3 months old next Christmas.
Now things are a little different.
If I had gotten pregnant when we started trying I would have a 1 year old now.
If I ever get pregnant I don’t care when the baby is born.
If we didn’t wait so long to start trying, would I still be having these problems?
If one more person says, “It’s about time you guys have a baby”, I may punch them in the face.
If I never get pregnant, will I be ok with that?
If one more person announces their pregnancy will I break down in tears again?
IF stands for infertility, but as you can see it means so much more to those of us struggling to get pregnant.
I have come a long way in this struggle. I went from the excitement of starting our family, to fearful we may have problems achieving that goal, to bitter that everyone else seemed to get pregnant so easily, to accepting IF, and now to optimistic that I may conquer IF. I may not conquer it by having a child of my own, but I do know that one day I will have a child.
Of course, I am not optimistic everyday, and I still struggle with bitterness now and then. Sometimes I still feel like crying when I hear a certain song, or see a baby in the mall. But, that is not my everyday life now. After 2 years of struggle I am finally at a point where I can do something about it.
After dealing with crappy student health insurance for the first year and a half of this journey we finally have amazing infertility coverage with the husband’s new job. I feel extremely blessed to have the insurance we have now, and I plan on taking every advantage of it to conquer IF.
Yesterday we took the first step toward actually figuring out why I can’t get pregnant. I had a laparoscopy to look for blocked tubes and endometriosis that could be preventing me from getting pregnant. It turns out my tubes are not blocked, and I didn’t have too much endometriosis, but I don’t go in to talk to my doctor until next week. So, I won’t know for sure if this was the problem until I talk to him.
Today I am feeling great. Recovery hasn’t been too bad, and I am still feeling optimistic. If you are having the same procedure and want to know more about it feel free to contact me and I will be happy to tell you how everything went. I was lucky to have my sister with me, who had the same procedure last fall. Without her I would have felt lost and very anxious.
I plan on writing a few more posts about infertility for those who want to know how to deal with a friend/relative struggling with IF, and of course those who struggle with it themselves. I will also try to keep you updated on how our conquering goes.
For more information about infertility here are some good websites to check out:
There are also some good support groups on Babycenter:
Actively Trying: The Next Level
I did not put this cat in the basket. The weirdo slept in that basket for several days until I put laundry in it.